Birth, Life and Death

This post isnt going to be as morbid as the title suggests :) See! Smiley face :)

So I really was thinking about LIFE and TTC.  Creating life is so frikkin amazing!

Less then a week ago I was at work and I had a particular patient who was palliative and we will call her Lucy.  And for those who don't know.... it basically means she was dying.   To paint a picture of what the past few years has been like; I first met her in 2009.  She has end stage dementia, not mobile, not verbal, confused, delirious but she was very sweet.  Harmless, otherwise oddly healthy and she LOVED baby's and boys [if a young man or baby came around she would perk right up, she even pinched a few butts lol].  So it's 3ish years later and I walk into her room.  She's laying in her bed, extremely frail, extremely pale.  Her lips are barely parted and her eyes open just a crack. I lower myself close to her bed and i call her name quietly.  She doesn't move, she doesn't blink, her eyes don't turn my way, she doesn't even inhale.  I called her again.... nothing..... and again.  I stood there for 30-40 seconds - and they felt like the longest seconds I have ever felt.  Waiting for someone to breath, move, show any signs of life seems like an eternity.   As I was looking at Lucy I was thinking how f*cked up it was if she were to be dead and i knew that if she was that there was nothing i was allowed to do [she was a do not resuscitate].  With the back of my hand i lightly touched the back of her hand and she took the tinyest breath you have ever seen.  *Whew* a sigh of relief... I took her vitals, covered her back up and left the room.  She kept experiencing that apnea or episodes of not breathing but Luc didn't die while i was there.  That evening after my shift she was finally put to rest and stopped breathing for real.  I'm sure it came with a lot waiting like i experienced.   I cant even explain how it feels to watch someone not breathe.  Sit and think that after 30 seconds that maybe shes not going to take another breath "this" time.  The last time i took her vitals that night, i talked to her regardless of the fact that she didn't respond or reply.  I told her how my baby had been in just prior to that and asked if she remembers meeting him.  She was a magnificent women full of life in her day who was overcome with Alzheimer's.  I didn't know her in the days she would wonder, dance and go through everything people typically go through when they have that disease.  Ill always remember her as the women who would laugh at everything i said, even if it wasn't funny, or whose eyes would light up every time Dancing with the Stars came on [she was a dance teacher in her day].

Life is so precious.... I can actually say that I've given someone their first bath.... and Ive given someone their last bath.....  Lucy's death came with sadness but I am forever grateful that I could play a part in the last part of her life.   These are the feelings that I know make me into a great mom.  I so very much want to continue to share these types of feeling.  Death doesn't have to be a bad and scary thing... everyone is going to experience it at sometime. In a wierd way the end of life is an amazing experience as well. I believe that everyone also has the right to experience the making of life as well....

These are just thoughts.... ramblings and such.  I really, really hope that  birth is my next experience <3 <3

Life this week, driving and TTC!

SUCH A BUSY WEEK...is putting things "lightly".  

I had my interview on Monday for a peds/OB nursing job and i have very mixed feeling on this.   I am HORRIBLE in interviews, i hate on the spot questioning and I hate feeling like I'm being judged.   I fall flat in these situations which SUCKS because i know I'm an excellent nurse with many skills.  I know that I give 100% on the job and even more so when Its a job i love.   I just need to get in there and show that.   I'm about 99% sure i did not get it.   They had received over 100 resumes and out of those they narrowed the choices to only 6.  Yes i was top 6 based on resume and cover letter alone however if on of those other 5 rocks the interview I'm basically left screwed :(  Hope and prayers that they see something in me they liked.  

I also had a telephone interview with a home-care nursing company which is looking to hire for 2 positions.   That went well {probably because i was in my pj's and able to jump around like a child} while i talked.  Now they want to set up a meeting and is going to be help next week sometime.   It does sound very promising.

AND now for the best news of all.  I FINALLY HAVE my drivers license!~ After so long - 10 years since Ive been "allowed to drive" then the past year of having only a beginners permit, i finally have it.   Its such a relief!!!!  It felt soooooo good to do so well, i have no idea why i was so scared of it.   I am still in shock over this YAY FOR ME!!!!!!

In my TTC journey I am on CD 17 {17th day of my cycle} and ovulation should be around the 18th.   I have run into a charting problem - my lovely almost 2 years old has stolen my basal thermometer :( Ive search hig and low, moved furniture, check all his hiding spots with no luck, there is only so many places to look.  He has done this before and i believe my last one went into the garbage {as well as a set of keys and several utensils from the kitchen}.  So, i have no temps for the past 3 days :(  still hoping to find it I have no way to determine ovulation.  I am still waiting for my ovulation and pregnancy strips to come in so that isnt even an option :(  DH is in for some good BDing {sex} this weekend!  Poor dh :)  So basically I am right at ovulations door, about to knock.  I am extremely fertile {2-3 days prior to O} and super excited for this part of the cycle :)   We have been stuggling with DHs outlook on the whole situation, and he is being kind of negative about it.  He is really tired the fact that we havent gotten pregnant yet, he seems to think that "it's never going to happen" and "we've tried and it hasnt happened so it wont happen this time".  He is starting to get on my nerves with all that negativity!!!!!! GOSH!! it doesnt happen over night and statistically most couple TTC for up to 6 months before having their first pregnancy!!  A little optimisum would be nice!!!!  **asskicking**