Birth, Life and Death

This post isnt going to be as morbid as the title suggests :) See! Smiley face :)

So I really was thinking about LIFE and TTC.  Creating life is so frikkin amazing!

Less then a week ago I was at work and I had a particular patient who was palliative and we will call her Lucy.  And for those who don't know.... it basically means she was dying.   To paint a picture of what the past few years has been like; I first met her in 2009.  She has end stage dementia, not mobile, not verbal, confused, delirious but she was very sweet.  Harmless, otherwise oddly healthy and she LOVED baby's and boys [if a young man or baby came around she would perk right up, she even pinched a few butts lol].  So it's 3ish years later and I walk into her room.  She's laying in her bed, extremely frail, extremely pale.  Her lips are barely parted and her eyes open just a crack. I lower myself close to her bed and i call her name quietly.  She doesn't move, she doesn't blink, her eyes don't turn my way, she doesn't even inhale.  I called her again.... nothing..... and again.  I stood there for 30-40 seconds - and they felt like the longest seconds I have ever felt.  Waiting for someone to breath, move, show any signs of life seems like an eternity.   As I was looking at Lucy I was thinking how f*cked up it was if she were to be dead and i knew that if she was that there was nothing i was allowed to do [she was a do not resuscitate].  With the back of my hand i lightly touched the back of her hand and she took the tinyest breath you have ever seen.  *Whew* a sigh of relief... I took her vitals, covered her back up and left the room.  She kept experiencing that apnea or episodes of not breathing but Luc didn't die while i was there.  That evening after my shift she was finally put to rest and stopped breathing for real.  I'm sure it came with a lot waiting like i experienced.   I cant even explain how it feels to watch someone not breathe.  Sit and think that after 30 seconds that maybe shes not going to take another breath "this" time.  The last time i took her vitals that night, i talked to her regardless of the fact that she didn't respond or reply.  I told her how my baby had been in just prior to that and asked if she remembers meeting him.  She was a magnificent women full of life in her day who was overcome with Alzheimer's.  I didn't know her in the days she would wonder, dance and go through everything people typically go through when they have that disease.  Ill always remember her as the women who would laugh at everything i said, even if it wasn't funny, or whose eyes would light up every time Dancing with the Stars came on [she was a dance teacher in her day].

Life is so precious.... I can actually say that I've given someone their first bath.... and Ive given someone their last bath.....  Lucy's death came with sadness but I am forever grateful that I could play a part in the last part of her life.   These are the feelings that I know make me into a great mom.  I so very much want to continue to share these types of feeling.  Death doesn't have to be a bad and scary thing... everyone is going to experience it at sometime. In a wierd way the end of life is an amazing experience as well. I believe that everyone also has the right to experience the making of life as well....

These are just thoughts.... ramblings and such.  I really, really hope that  birth is my next experience <3 <3

Well over due blog!

I have been MIA - here are my excuses

1- my mom had a baby via adoption so i went to help her out for several days
2- started new job
3- night shift threw off my sleep schedule
4- nothing happening TTCwise
5- spending weekends with dh

:)

So heres a quick TTC update
- CD 19
- inputing fake temps gave me an O day of CD 17 - so i guess im 2dpo
- OPKs fail me this month, never had any positives or dark lines in general

My plans this week
- try not to POAS
- wedding weekend after this weekend
- tanning
- working 3 - 12 h shifts :(


Will do a more in depth update soon :)
Till then visit my vlog:

**TTC giveaway coming up soon!!!!  waiting for 50 subscribers on Youtube!!!!  :)

TTC Update on Cycle 6!

AHHHH I hate roller coaster cycles.   That's what I had to put it nicely.

It started by not Oing when i should, which caused a mess up of BH timing.  I wasted a lot of materials based on probable ovulation.   I finally Id on CD 25!   THEN while in the 2ww wait i did some HPTs and got this:

Which confused the hell out of me because it "looks" like a possible 2nd line.  I started a log for my regular schedule and other TTC type stuff.

**ALSO in the 2ww I became engaged!!!!  I must mention this part :)  I went to visit my friends for the Canada Day Long Weekend which was also my Birthday.   DH proposed by the falls right on my birthday!!  Us and 2 friends went for a day trip on June 30th which was a Saturday and this is a summary of events:  my BFF and I got matching friendship tattoos, we strolled down Clinton Hill, seen the falls where DH proposed in front of EVERYone!!!  I was so shocked i was actually shaking!!!  lol.   Then we went and had dinner at The Rainforest Cafe! The evening was finished with taking a leisurely ride on the giant Farris wheel! It was one of the best birthdays ever!!!  Here's my ring and tattoo ( this is my friends tat but mine is identical and on my shoulder)!

On Canada Day which was the Sunday we went to Toronto Ribfest - was fun, we ate ribs, watched fireworks and took the kids for some fun!!  We went home to my BFF and the 4 of us (I should mention that we are 2 couples) played a bunch of drinking games!  Drank beer and laughed a lot.   Good times!!!


So back to TTC - I had taking many tests, i thought for a split second that maybe i was pregnant!  Turns out I'm not and I'm now on CD 3 :/  here is my latest TTC vlog so you can hope over to Youtube and view that:

****Side note: I will be doing a TTC giveaway at 100 subscribers!!!!  I only have about 12 now so It will be a little while but lets get me up to 100!!***

That brings us into Cycle 7!!!!  I'm not sad or shocked since I know I was way off with O.   Lets all hope for a normal cycle this month!!!!  LUCKY 7!!!!!!